A natural worrier, my most frequently asked question growing up was, ‘It’ll be alright, won’t it?’ Often directed at my mother, she was reliably consistent in providing the reassurance I craved. Over time, we naturally established a two-person play – and we each played our roles to great acclaim.  

Whether it was exams, work projects, relationships or health scares, I was often aware of the problem and, in most instances, the recommended solution. Where I fell down was exercising the patience required while waiting for the outcome. This vital information gap created a metaphorical canyon for me to drip-feed my fears into.    

You might believe that dealing with uncertainty is inevitable because there will always be instances where solutions sit outside of our control. It’s what we learn from these experiences, and hope to apply next time, that builds emotional resilience. But that doesn’t make it any easier to welcome such life lessons when they come our way.  

So, I was completely blindsided when my parents text me from 4,680 miles away to inform me that their flight from the Caribbean had been cancelled as Jamaica waited for Hurricane Melissa, a category five storm, to pass the island late last month.  

I place a lot of pride on my independence. I’m the person who goes straight ahead towards opportunities, with or without others, without looking back. Yet, funny how when I’m forced apart from my parents – without knowing when we’d next be able to communicate – this ‘persona’ starts to feel disingenuous. I don’t need them, but I certainly wanted them far more than I’d realised.  

A situation we hadn’t rehearsed 

During times of uncertainty, it’s natural that our brains strive to find predictable patterns to make sense of what’s happening and gain a sense of control over a situation to feel useful, positive and powerful.  

At the start of the week I began trading in facts and fading out fiction by using BBC News to track live events. But, a few days later, I felt compelled to disassociate because it was raising more questions than answers. The information, however helpful, couldn't tell me how my parents were faring or feeling. In other words, the knowledge gap was creating a gateway of anxiety and stress.  

Anxiety and uncertainty occasionally arrive together  

This is typical, because anxiety and uncertainty tend to tease one another as part of a feedback loop which can negatively affect our mental health. This rumination over time also has the potential to develop into depression.   

The rational part of me knew my parents were privileged to be staying in a luxury hotel, where they’d be well tended to with access to the facilities they required as quickly as possible. We’d also registered with the UK Government so they could be accounted for, and their travel insurance was about to pay for itself numerous times over.    

But, as uncertainty led to more uncertainty (flights cancelled, island-wide power cuts and rising death tolls), a little voice masking an ever-present (but usually dormant) fear gained audible volume: what if it’s not alright this time? 

Top tips for dealing with uncertainty  

Recognising this wasn’t a healthy place to dwell for my wellbeing, I snapped back into the present by adopting the following techniques: 

1. Acknowledge your real feelings – you’re not expected to grin and bear uncertainty. Even if others are relying on you to be a steady presence, find a moment to accurately label the emotions you’re feeling and the severity of the situation. By writing it down, stating it out loud or talking to a trusted friend, you may even find yourself better placed to accurately deal with the events at play.  

1. Streamline communication – remember it’s OK to define personal boundaries and agree with others how you’d like to stay updated, to avoid consistent phone calls and social media checks (or lack of) creating worry and distress. Striving for one good quality call can sometimes be better than a sporadic sequence of messages that keep you in fight or flight mode for longer.  

1. Separate facts from fiction – during challenging times it’s easy to blur what’s happening with what we think is happening, as our stress levels increase. Focus on the facts by turning to trusted sources (verified news articles or lived experience) to reduce the chance of needlessly escalating the issue further.  

1. Create mini milestones – if looking at the bigger picture seems daunting or impossible, break the situation down into smaller parts which could involve tackling one conversation, or day, at a time. When we feel figuratively ‘small’, it’s also tempting to consider broader life choices. Make a note of these questions, but don’t feel forced to find answers now. That can wait until later.  

1. Consider workarounds – have faith in the choices you make in response to uncertainty while being open to contingency plans. It’s better to over prepare than under prepare and any anxiety prompted by the result of last-minute changes will be easier to manage if the seed’s already been planted that a less desirable, but equally viable, option has been considered.  

There’s no one, right way to manage uncertainty. By its very nature, it’s feels messy. But, knowing that you’ve navigated it previously, and will continue to develop the flexible resilience to do so again in the future, is a final way of reclaiming a sense of control.  

My parents arrived home six days after their planned departure. It’s a holiday they’ll never forget. But, as tricky as that week was for us to manage on either side of the Atlantic, we don’t take it for granted that they could return to a home with strong foundations. For many in the Caribbean, they must now rebuild with less than what they had before.  

When I saw them, I let out an audible sigh of relief. It was all going to be OK now.  

This experience reminded me that I play an active role in my family, even when I try to undermine or avoid it to emphasise my adulthood. I need them, and they needed me and that’s a special connection to be part of.  

We can't prevent the unexpected from happening, but we can support others through uncertainty, especially when we’re operating from a place of trust and security.  

Who can you connect with today?  

The Fountain Therapy Trust is a long-term affordable in-person and online counselling service for local people across New Malden, Kingston, Surbiton, Wimbledon and beyond. If you want one-to-one support from a trusted therapist to help you navigate uncertainty or improve emotional resilience, get in touch to see how we can help.  

Donna is an integrative counsellor running a small private practice, while supporting The Fountain Therapy Trust.