There are three small words which, when used as part of a greeting, fill me with complete uncertainty. ‘How are you?’ is a question I’m willing to ask, but find increasingly difficult, and reluctant, to answer.

The question’s not really the issue, but more whether I consider I have the time and tools to offer the truth. Context is key after all. Sharing a leisurely coffee with a friend is quite different to unravelling your feelings to a colleague on the way to an important meeting which you’re already running late for.

As the question lingers in the air, I’m faced with a series of complex choices in quick succession over the benefits of being honest and to what extent any expression of vulnerability will be met with empathy. As I attempt to run my decision through my makeshift ‘etiquette’ framework, I generally err on the side of caution and conclude it’s easier to complete this social dance with the classic response, ‘I’m fine thanks. You?’

But, what about when you genuinely want to get something off your chest?

When I last prioritised authenticity over ease with trusted friends and began telling them how I felt without fully knowing where my unrehearsed response would end, I walked away feeling misunderstood. Like a bowl of soup which overheats in the microwave and explodes mid cycle, my emotions left a stain, creating an unforeseen chore to tidy up while hiding my embarrassment.

In exchange for my fumbled offering of openness, I was given solutions to problems that I didn’t think existed (change jobs) and served reassuring platitudes (be happy).

This was kind, but I didn’t feel in need of either. I’d intended to express that I was overwhelmed with several areas of life – such as work, counselling, church and other social projects – which were continuously resetting without me having time to process how they affected my energy. Yet, without realising, I’d challenged the status quo of our ‘normal’ conversation by over-sharing at the wrong time. I was ready, but they weren’t.

At a time when my social media feeds are fit to burst with the importance of having healthy conversations in ‘safe spaces’, it reminded me that these forums – even among friends – must be built and maintained on good foundations.

So, where can we truly be authentic about our feelings?

One-to-one counselling provides clients with a non-judgmental outlet to faithfully process their feelings without the responsibility of keeping their therapist intact. They look after you, then they look after themselves.

At The Fountain Therapy Trust, all team members are part of an industry body, such as the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, which aligns to an ethical framework. As part of this, we’re expected to maintain our own psychological health to enable us to work safely with others. In essence, we practice what we preach. We have supervision and personal therapy.

It’s natural to be curious about who counsellors are outside of sessions. Who are you opening up to? This sense of mystery can create a space for clients to fill in the gaps with questions or ideas about their counsellor’s identity. Yet, the benefit of therapy is that your curiosity doesn’t need to extend to care – a vital difference between working with a trained therapist and engaging with friends.

So, does this mean my counsellor should replace my best friend? 

No, not quite. But, if you choose personal therapy, you may notice that your resilience to cope with stress and anxiety increases which, in turn, can reduce any pressure you feel when friends and family ask how you’re faring – as well as any assumptions on how you think they should respond.

Renowned writer, researcher and speaker Brené Brown previously reported that the average person can identify just three emotions as they’re feeling them: happiness, sadness and anger – which goes some way to evidence that we don’t have the adequate skills or language to label our emotions.

That means it’s difficult, but not impossible.

Upon reflection, I wish I hadn’t waited until the final moment to open up to my friends. I wish I’d openly declared that I didn’t know how I was feeling (but was comfortable with the discomfort). And I wish I’d said I didn’t require anything beyond their ability to listen. All this would’ve prevented me from feeling like a ‘mess’, while relinquishing them of any responsibility to ‘fix’.

If you ask someone how they are and they give you a full answer, try to encourage it. Real conversations like this can only help to normalise the breadth of human emotions – whether they’re big, small, complicated or just ‘fine’.

The Fountain Therapy Trust is a long-term affordable in-person and online counselling service for local people across New Malden, Kingston, Surbiton, Wimbledon and beyond. If you want one-to-one support from a trusted therapist to help you process your feelings, get in touch to see how we can help.

Donna is an integrative counsellor running a small private practice, while supporting The Fountain Therapy Trust.