It’s a cold winter’s evening, the streets are filled with sparkling lights and the shops are stacked with gifts. The season of giving is here and something’s stirring within me – but it’s not a good feeling. In fact, my finger tips are trembling, my lips are quivering and I feel tense. 

A silent ‘Hulk’ like transformation is taking place. I’m a middle-aged independent adult regressing into a judgemental teenager ready to resume my traditional role in our festive family holiday production.  

Don’t get me wrong, I love this time of year. But being in close quarters with my family, over an extended period, highlights multiple problems and differences – which makes me terribly anxious. 

If I sound terrible and ungrateful, I apologise. At least that matches how I feel.  

But can you relate?  

What I’d like is the option to disappear off-grid during Christmas, which I managed to do once in Cairo as part of an international charity trip. But, as a single, people-pleasing person with both feet firmly in the UK, I worry that running solo could not only appear unreasonable, but also unkind.  

So, as a trade-off for being a highly-independent person with agency – an ability to exercise a sense of control over my thoughts and behaviour – all-year round, I’m picked up for Christmas by my parents, dropped into the back seat and taken on a trip down memory lane. 

Perhaps it’s because I’m the eldest child – often associated with being highly motivated, conscientious and occasionally controlling – that I feel a sense of responsibility to work hard to make this family occasion superior like no other. So much so, I feel exhausted after my first cup of tea upon landing.  

Or perhaps it’s because I’ve grown to develop my own way of being and doing, so now the chaotic backdrop – food everywhere, stereo booming and half-finished conversations as your listener falls asleep – brings up childhood experiences for me that I’m still in the process of learning to manage and accept. And this makes my inner child – the subconscious part of us that holds and echoes positive and negative emotions, memories and beliefs – wobble, affecting how I think and behave. 

On the outside I’m quiet and brooding. On the inside, my inner child is telling me that Christmas is about goodness and togetherness, and that the fact I’m unsettled must mean I’m being bad.  

If I sit and engage with my inner child further, it’s hinting that I don’t think I deserve this warm, loving environment, nor the gifts by the tree. This discomfort prompts me to pick a fight with my brother to justify my feelings.  

It’s OK to feel like this – and counselling is a safe environment where you could explore feelings like this in more detail.  

But how do you manage this in the moment in-between The King’s Speech and a second round of turkey?  

Acknowledge your inner child by being kind and consider inviting it to sit alongside your adult self. You’re aware of it in this situation because that part of you feels unsafe; so, make it feel welcome.  

In addition to this, overcome stressful social situations, by adopting these top tips:  

• Choose to attend the party, even if it feels like an expectation. Intentionally making the choice will shift your mindset and emphasise that you’re in control.  

• Take a step back when things feel heated to observe and collect more information about what’s happening for you and others.  

• Identify a ‘self-care’ space where you can ground yourself, which could include doing simple breathing exercises to recharge your social battery. 

• Remember you don’t need to stay longer than feels comfortable. If it’s helpful, manage people’s expectations in advance by letting them know you may need to leave earlier than expected so you don’t feel like you’re letting anyone down.  

Christmas can be challenging for several reasons. If this season you notice yourself feeling anxious, stressed, depressed or struggling with a particular relationship, talk to our team about affordable long-term counselling. Complete our Fountain Therapy Trust form or speak to our team to learn more.  

Donna is an integrative counsellor at The Fountain Therapy Trust, having recently qualified through a part-time training programme at Kingston College.